Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: “Jim’s whore house. You got the dough, we got the hoe.”
Why does this not have any notes?
lol no “Nashville sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it. how may I help you?”
“Henderson’s Morgue, you stab em, we slab em, this is Eight Ball speaking.”
“Texas crematorium you kill ‘em we grill ‘em how can I direct your call?”
i was looking up chicken noises to annoy my sister and now i can’t breathe
I STARTED PLAYING THIS IN THE CAR AND MY ENTIRE FAMILY TOLD ME TO “TURN IT OFF HAILEY” WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT
ITS 2 AM AND I AM DYING
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
I always need this on my blog.
I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.
These shows taught me all about animals, science, math, geography, reading, grammar, kindness and friendship.
This will always be golden
I can feel the nostalgia ooze into my bloodstream
Some eaiser variations of push ups to help you build the strength to do a traditional one!
I don’t generally reblog ‘fitness’ stuff but gaddamn could I use some more arm strength.
Push-ups are my worst nightmare. I can only do 44 before I pass out on the floor.
"I can only do 44" hahaha omg I can’t even do one.
Hugging shorter people and resting your head on theirs
Hugging taller people and having your head against their chest
Hugging people your height and pressing your face against their shoulder
Hugging people and getting picked up by them
Hey! Made a compilation of the darkest corners of the internet.
- Dionaea House: a horrifying story, told through two guys mail conversation, about how a haunted house
- Page of Ted: another haunting story about a man’s experience in an uncharted cave
- Castle of Spirits: a website with ghost stories, experiences and pictures. my mom banned me from going here because I used to freak myself out as a kid from this website
- Deep Cave: A man breaks scuba depth world record and finds the body of the last man to attempt it while down there. He makes plans to recover the body, but dies during the attempt. This is his website, as he left it, before he went on his last dive.
- Reborn Baby Dolls: where you can buy dolls that look EXACTLY and feel EXACTLY like a newborn baby
- Find a Grave: a website where you can find the graves of ancestors or famous people, create virtual memorials, add ‘virtual flowers’ and a note to a loved one’s grave
- This Man: a website about 1000’s of people all over the world, dreaming of the same man. Some say he’s the devil some say he’s god.
- Exit Mundi: a collection of end of the world scenario’s
- Haunted House: where you can find any haunted house in the U.S
- Truthism: an extremely wacko cult website about how reptilian aliens are responsible for everything wrong, how humanity is controlled by aliens and how the sun is a cube and that the inner Earth exists
- The Jonestown Mass Suicide Death Tape: Trigger warning and you know why
- Shaye Saint John: The story/myths behind Shaye Saint John is that she was a hot woman who was horribly disfigured in a car accident. As a result, she appears in public wearing this creepy mask, and hobbles along with prosthetic legs and hands. This is her website
- SCP Foundation: collection of fictional works that its members contribute that deal with the “paranormal”. They range all the way from a television working without a broadcasting station, to deadly creatures that have never been encountered
- Blog of Joseph E. Duncan: sentenced to death by a federal jury on August 27, 2008 for the kidnapping, of Dylan and Shasta Groene and murder of Dylan. He had been convicted of a sex crime years before. Go back to the beginning and read forward. You can trace his further descent into madness.
- Annie96 is typing: a creepy chat between two teenagers that has a horrific twist at the end
Alright, I hope you enjoy. Maybe look through these one day at a sleep over with some friends. That would be fun.
And don’t worry. NONE of these are screamers. I wouldn’t do that.
Speaking of sleepovers, here’s a masterpost of creepy sleep-over games
You may not be able to see your own beauty or love yourself but one day, someone will. You have only lived such a small part of yourself, you will never know what the future brings. So, keep going. Hold on. You are never alone. ♥
I think one of the things that got me going back to school (at age 25) was seeing that were was still SO much left to my life.
1 universe, 9 planets, 7 seas, 7 continents, 809 islands, 204 countries, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting u
THERE ARE 8 PLANETS, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE.
VIVA LA PLUTO FUCK YOU
I’m pretty sure “Viva la Pluto fuck you” is the best sentence I’ve heard all week.
if you are losing weight and getting fit right now and you’re in college, with a job, in your late teens or early twenties, and you are not only struggling with the bullshit that goes with school and work but also trying to get in the best shape of your life while also simultaneously coping with the inner monologue in your head that won’t shut up about your imminent future as an adult in the real world, you get mad props from me.
THANK YOU FOR THIS
A gorgeous fuck-ton of human ear references (per request).
Sourced by squidsarestrange [photographs not included]:
How to Draw Gesture.
This is very important. People have said they liked my drawings especially because the lines feel smooth, and dynamic. I’m merely applying the gestures and curves this guy is talking about. Like the video shows, it’s the feel of the drawing that comes first, through gesture, then add the details.
oh my god ok i normally don’t add comments on to stuff but this is so so so useful if you’re having a hard time with bodies please use gesture, here’s a website that gives you images with poses to draw. gesture helped me improve sooo much when it comes to drawing bodies and i really really recommend this to people having trouble
after a while i became convinced that the words were mocking me
I WAS PROMISED A BATTLE
*throws down gauntlet*
Edit: Went back. This is the best thing to happen to my dashboard ever.
Reblogging again because my followers need to see this. To be clear, rebog, go to your actual blog, then click the picture.